


All or Nothing

by straeon



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Injury, M/M, angstish, not compliant with spoilers of what will happen necessarily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 11:05:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3607791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straeon/pseuds/straeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The affair is back on but Aaron is having doubts that Robert cares, when he's forced to face his feelings for Aaron.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All or Nothing

“No one around?” Robert asked as he walked into the back of the Woolpack.

“Does it look like it?” Aaron replied from the kitchen table, only glancing up from his beans on toast.

“You’re grumpy,” Robert observed, putting his hands in his pockets. “What’s wrong?”

Trying to keep an apathetic air toward Robert, Aaron shrugged and picked up another forkful, before getting too irritated again by Robert’s amused look.

“Is it too much to ask that we spend some time together with _out_ you reminding me that we’re… lying to everyone and going behind people’s backs?” Aaron demanded, pushing his plate away.

“You know I need to be careful,” Robert said, sitting down by the table with a sigh and the fed up look of someone who’s had the same conversation that they’d rather not have at all, too many times.

“You could try making it less obvious your first concern, every minute of the day, is yourself,” Aaron grumbled as he started to clean up, mostly so he didn’t have to look at Robert, and maybe see how right he was about him. He had faith that this was worth it but in the worst moments between them, Aaron wasn’t sure he even knew who Robert was really. What if it was everyone else – Katie, his mum – who had been right about him all along? There was a niggling doubt about this that forced its way from the back of Aaron’s mind with more frequency as of late.

“Fine, I’m sorry,” Robert said with exasperation.

“For what though?” Aaron asked. “For this whole shit situation or that you said the wrong thing and won’t get what you want with me now?”

“I’m sorry this isn’t what you want,” Robert said, getting up. “But it’s what we’ve got. It’s what we both decided to start up again.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, it’s this or nothing,” Robert said with more frankness than intended.

Oh, yeah. That was the other reason Aaron had been avoiding Robert’s eye – to avoid being hurt by his sharp tongue that could be a million times worse than how Aaron could hurt himself. To avoid his eyes… Looking into them could make you feel like you were being given the universe. Or they could tell you how stupid you were to ever think you were actually worth that.

“And I know you want this,” Robert continued with more care, caressing upwards along Aaron’s chest. His fingertips gripped the colouring skin of Aaron’s neck, his warm breath on Aaron’s mouth, wet under Robert’s tongue, combined to make Aaron momentarily more malleable.

“Is it so wrong to want more?” Aaron asked in barely a whisper, as he was seconds away from losing himself in Robert’s touch and the inexorable desire for him that inevitably took Aaron over. That effect wasn’t lost on Aaron’s anxious thoughts – in the back of his head he worried how much of this was manipulation.

“No, but-”

“You want this too, but you don’t want more?” Aaron questioned his increasingly frustrated lover. “Then how do I know you want this – you want me – enough?”

“What - you want me to risk everything I have, my whole bloody life, for you?!” Robert demanded, the sweet looks and sweet talking being thrown aside. “Be fucking realistic, Aaron.”

“As long as I know I’m not worth that much to you,” Aaron said bitterly.

“That’s not what it’s about,” Robert replied. Aaron noted that he didn’t confirm or deny it. “You shouldn’t expect me to do that.”

“Like you expect me to go back in the closet with you?”

“I’m not-” Robert faltered. “You know what? Fine. When you make your mind up what you realistically want, call me.” He backed away then looked at Aaron as if he was expecting something from him. When he didn’t get that, as Aaron looked away, Robert left.

Things were different this time around. They had something between them, the knowledge of what Robert had done, which could have broken them. But Aaron couldn’t stop loving him because of the stupid mistakes he’d made, especially when Aaron had his fair share as well. They were stronger together but after putting his trust in Robert that that had been a mistake, and that this wouldn’t come back to haunt Aaron for his part in it, was it too much to ask to have something back from his lover? Some hint that what they had could ever be more than a secret affair? That Robert saw it as more than that?

 

As soon as Robert had departed, he’d wanted to go back, to make it up to Aaron. His words were always harsher than they needed to be. Under the strain on Robert to keep on top of everything, to touch up every crack that appeared in his façade of a perfect life, it could feel like the most important thing to protect when it was threatened. When Aaron threatened it, he wanted to put him back in his place – he had an equal part in this affair, so why should he take the moral high ground?

If he’d felt like he behaved too rashly in losing his temper at Aaron - when he wanted to go back to him and apologise, then decided to wait for them both to cool down- that felt particularly petty to Robert the next day as he sat, waiting alone in the hospital. Aaron hadn’t been trying to take the moral high ground over Robert, he’d just been wanting to do the right thing, as always.

He shouldn’t have walked away. There was no point waiting for them to cool down - there was always some kind of heat between them and there surely always would be. So many of those heated words echoed through his mind now. There were things he’d said he shouldn’t have but that wasn’t what Robert regretted most.

_It’s this or nothing._

Bullshit. After all they’d been through, was Robert really prepared to give it all up? No, he’d said that so Aaron would stop expecting more, so that things wouldn’t have to get difficult for Robert.

A horrible ball of dread in the pit of his stomach took over and the worst went through his mind, that that conversation could be the last they had. What he regretted from it most was what he hadn’t said.

_I’m sorry for putting you through this._

_I do want more._

_I want you._

_You are worth it. You’re worth this and more and -_

“Oh, you’re still here,” Chas’s voice cut in, with no attempt to disguise her disappointment. Her heart hadn’t really been into her scathing remarks to Robert today however - they were as harsh as ever, if not worse, but it was clear she was taken out her pain and worry on him. When the signs of all the emotions she’d been through today were clear on her tired, paler face, Robert tried to tread carefully.

“How is he?” Robert immediately got up.

“Better than he was, thank God,” Chas answered, not caring enough to remember her loathing of him. “They’ll be observing him for a while - and so will I, I’m telling ya.” Suddenly, tears sprang to her eyes, to her own surprise when at this point, she’d have thought she was too dehydrated. “God, what does that boy put me through time and again.”

“It wasn’t his fault though, right?” Robert asked with concern.

“’Course not,” Chas replied. “So where does Chrissie think you are now?”

“I dunno,” Robert replied, truthfully. “Look, can I - can I see him?”

“I don’t think that’s really allowed… Even if it was, he’s resting,” Chas said, gathering her emotions and putting on a steely exterior toward Robert. It wasn’t his fault Aaron was lying in a hospital bed right now, Chas knew that, but all the pain Aaron had been going through for the last few months before this were entirely Robert’s fault, as far as she was concerned. “You’re the last thing he needs right now.”

“I’ll just be a minute then I’ll leave. Have you had anything to eat or drink today? I’ll just sit with him till you get back.”

“I don’t think so,” Chas said, doubting that he gave a fig about her, even though he was right and she was hesitant to leave Aaron alone for long, not until they forced her out, while Paddy couldn’t get there yet. 

“Look,” Robert said desperately, taking out his phone. “He was coming to meet me.” Showing her the text from Aaron early that day, Robert hoped that Chas didn’t blame him like Robert had been with the unrealistic ‘what if’’s that had been invading his thoughts. 

“Please, it’s what _he_ wants,” Robert pleaded more desperately, despite the niggling doubt he had that Aaron could have been wanting to meet him to end it between them, for good. “And for you to not exhaust and starve yourself.”

“Fine,” Chas gave in at last. After the day from hell she had, she didn’t have it in her for an argument with loverboy. “But I’m only getting a pasty and I’ll be right back. And if you upset-”

“Thank you,” Robert interrupted gratefully with his hands together in front of him. He couldn’t spend another minute going over his every word and action, kicking himself and worrying he’d blown it for good. 

As Chas began her quest for a pasty, she hoped she wouldn’t regret giving Robert the benefit of the doubt for once, though she resented that Aaron still would want to see him. 

 

The room was too quiet, compared to the bustle of the rest of the hospital. It was too nauseatingly real, with a pale and weak looking Aaron looking small in the hospital bed. The hair on the back of Robert’s neck stood on end as he looked down at him sleeping. There had been a very real moment where he could have lost him, when no amount of charming or manipulation could have brought him back.

That had only been a moment but Robert was all too aware that he still did not know that Aaron would still want to put up with him after yesterday - after everything. 

Aaron was so much younger than he seemed, younger than his many bad experiences and sufferings would make him seem, or how he always picked himself up afterwards and carried on. 

As Robert traced his fingertips over the hair of Aaron’s motionless arm, along his wrest and to take his hand in his, he kicked himself for forgetting that. For forgetting how fragile he was again, even if this wasn’t about that. How much bad luck could one kid have? 

On top of all that, how could Robert forget how special this man was? He wasn’t defined by everything that had happened to him, but he was extraordinary for how he survived all and still be so selfless, to put others first when he quietly suffered and to give second, third and fourth chances (God, Robert had lost count) because people didn’t give up on him? 

Robert knew he didn’t deserve Aaron’s faith in him, and without a semblance of a doubt, he didn’t deserve his love. He wasn’t lost like Aaron had been and he hadn’t suffered to make him the bitter, selfish man he was. He was just lucky that Aaron had the patience to see whatever was good in him and to stay for that despite everything that came with it.

“I’m sorry,” Robert said in a choked whisper as he softly stroked Aaron’s face. 

“Don’t you start,” Aaron grumbled. “Mum’s been crying over me all day.”

“You’re awake,” Robert said with relief while attempting to regain some of his composure. 

“Really?” Aaron gave Robert a weak smile as he sat up slowly. 

“You should be resting,” Robert said with concern, rubbing along Aaron’s shoulder and arm.

“Seriously - you’re behaving just like her,” Aaron said, furrowing his brow half in amusement, half because he was fed up of being fussed over. “I’m fine,” he said for probably the fiftieth time that day.

“You’re not,” Robert said matter-of-factly, smiling at the other man despite that. “But I’m glad you’re awake and - we can talk. If you want to talk to me.”

Aaron sighed and searched Robert’s face, for a sign to whether or not he did want to hear what he had to say.

“I told Chas you wanted to see me,” Robert continued with a weak, forced laugh. “Even showed her the text - didn’t mention that you could’ve been meeting me to end it between us.”

“I wasn’t,” Aaron said. 

Robert breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m glad,” he said, placing a hand over Aaron’s.

“That doesn’t mean I’m happy with this,” Aaron said, reluctantly pulling his hand away. “I - I still need to think.”

“Yeah,” Robert continued, remembering why they were here. “I mean, you don’t have to think about this now, about me, you should - focus on getting better!”

“Ugh - really, caring looks weird on you,” Aaron joked, wanting to relieve some of he heaviness that he’d felt around everyone today. 

“I do want to talk,” Aaron continued more seriously but still with that weak smile. “I wanted to say that - you were right, it wasn’t fair of me to expect you to just leave everything, to come out and everything, on my time.”

“I wasn’t right,” Robert said quietly, stroking his long fingers over Aaron’s hair, which felt strangely free of product.

“Wow - are you sure you’re not the one who’s sick?” Aaron said, still forcing a lighter mood, though Robert’s presence itself helped - to see that he cared. Still, he tried to avoid Robert’s eyes, to avoid getting his hopes up, because there was always a doubt about how much he cared when he couldn’t outright say that he did, even if he had shown it in other ways.

“You don’t have to pretend with me that you’re okay after today,” Robert said, looking into Aaron’s eyes. 

“I just don’t want to talk about that,” Aaron said, letting himself look as tired as he was of all of that. 

"Because I wasn’t okay,” Robert said, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I did a lot of thinking and - I want to be with you.”

“Aren’t you with me now?” Aaron asked expectantly.

“I mean, really. You were right, Aaron,” Robert said quietly, sitting on the side of the bed and taking Aaron’s face in his hands. “You’re worth so much more than someone’s bit on the side, I shouldn’t be treating you like you’re not. And the thing is I _would_ risk my life for you.”

“Thanks,” Aaron whispered, caught up in Robert’s emotion but confused about what this really meant for them. “So…?”

“So I’m going to figure something out, to be with you, properly,” Robert said, tracing the shape of Aaron’s face with his thumbs. 

“Figure something out?” Aaron asked doubtfully.

“I know,” Robert sighed. “It’s not an actual plan yet but what I mean is, I want you, I love _you_. I’m not going to keep you a secret or expect you to stick around while I’m married to someone else and-”

Aaron interrupted his lover’s spiel with a kiss, wrapping his arms around his neck, which Robert instantly responded to, to deepen the kiss and stroke his short hair. “I love you too.”

“You should rest,” Robert said with a contented sigh. “I mean it,” Robert said firmly in response to Aaron’s eyeroll, with a hand on his jaw. “Because I swear, if you die, I’m gonna kill you.” Closing his eyes, Robert rested his forehead against Aaron’s, grateful for every moment he had alone with him.

The door opened, reminding them they weren’t the only people in the world. Chas cleared her throat awkwardly at the sight of their closeness.

“Shouldn’t you be resting?” she asked with a barely disguised resentment.

“I’ve already been told,” Aaron said, as he and Robert pulled apart. 

“I’ll see you,” Robert said, leaning back down to brush his lips against Aaron’s, tilting his head sideways and sighing at how perfectly their mouths fit together. “When you’ll be all better.” 

Robert ignored the daggers being shot at him as he trailed his fingers from Aaron’s grasp and reluctantly left the bubble of the lovers’ haze for the cold real world, where he had no idea how he was going to live up to his promises.


End file.
